She was soaring in the sky, defying gravity. Her heart leapt with exhilaration when she discovered she could fly all along, even without those feathery wings.
She skimmed over a lake, creating a crystal trail. As she looked down at her own reflection, she saw the golden-white glow that she noticed emanating from her whenever she's flying.
Turning sharply she shot up into the sky, closing her eyes to feel the wind in her face, the tiny ice crystals forming around her lashes. When she opened them she was in outer space, looking at the sun as a huge sphere of light and warmth. She put her hand over her heart.
"It's nice to be back home."
Silence reigned as she communed with Him, remembering when she finally sought him out. After refusing to speak with him since she was cast out of Eden... how long had it been? Eons. It was awkward, but she was also surprised with how much she had missed Him.
It's when she finally realized that she could fly long before she knew she could. She simply hated herself so much back then the thought never crossed her mind. When He invited her home though she gently shook her head.
"Not right now, but I will come home when I'm ready."
With a smile and a loving kiss she zoomed back down and made her usual rounds, watching over the humans she used to hate and be jealous of. She has grown past that, and decided to stay for a while, to help where she is needed.
Scanning the grounds below she would have ignored the speck she found far away. But she slowed down...
That smell.
She knew it was him. She floated cautiously nearer, but still kept considerable distance. Ever since he got his wings he committed despicable acts which caused her to lose all respect, as well as pretty much everything else. She is merely disgusted with him for his heinous crimes.
She found him lying on the ground. Broken and unconscious. His wings a hopeless mess of blood and dull feathers. She wasn't even sure if he's still alive.
As she stared from afar she realized she felt... nothing. She doesn't even feel sadness anymore. Just nothing. She knew for a while now that he'd come to this, so she was not surprised at all.
With that, she floated away, moving on to the next chapter of her life.
Lillith knew it was him before she even saw him flying from the distance, or heard the flapping of his great black feathered wings. She knew by his familiar smell.
She watched him as he landed before her.
"Congratulations. You can fly."
"Fly with me."
"I can't. I have no wings."
"I'll carry you. Trust me."
She looked at his eyes and knew. Fighting back tears she took his hand.
They soared over the vast expanse of their God's creation, each His rebel in their own way. Sadness never left her eyes. Eversince she saw him with wings. She knew what he was going to do, yet she wanted to give him every chance she can, for she loved him.
When they reached the highest point she was not surprised when he let her go. She fell from the great height they have climbed together. She knew he thinks in some way that she has betrayed her. She knew she never did so she trusted him. She also knew that years down the road her raven will finally stop blinding himself, and regret his acts.
"I'm sorry I doubted you."
To which she has only one reply.
"I'm sorry I trusted you."
The impact was as painful as she would expect from hitting the ground at the gravity-accellerated speed of freefall. She was hoping it would be worse than the pain of betrayal he put her through. She was hoping it would be so much worse it would make her forget the pain of silence when he refused to find the truth with her, but would rather create a version of truth that would please him.
It wasn't, and it didn't.
As she laid in a pool of her own blood and broken bones, she was tempted to just lay there forever, but knew the buzzards and other scavengers would pick at her. With no death to deliver her from it all, she sighed and forced herself to move, place her limbs in their proper positions to speed up her healing.
It took a long, excruciating time, but she was finally able to stand up again and climb out of the crater her body's impact created. She wanted to strangle whoever quoted 'What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.'
"Immortality bites."
Face Down by Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
Hey girl you know you drive me crazy One look puts the rhythm in my hand. Still I'll never understand why you hang around I see what's going down.
Cover up with make up in the mirror Tell yourself it's never gonna happen again You cry alone and then he swears he loves you.
Do you feel like a man When you push her around? Do you feel better now as she falls to the ground? Well I'll tell you my friend, one day this world's going to end As your lies crumble down, a new life she has found.
A pebble in the water makes a ripple effect Every action in this world will bear a consequence If you wade around forever you will surely drown I see what's going down.
I see the way you go and say your right again, Say your right again Heed my lecture
Do you feel like a man When you push her around? Do you feel better now as she falls to the ground? Well I'll tell you my friend, one day this world's going to end As your lies crumble down a new life she has found.
Face down in the dirt she says, "this doesn't hurt" she says "I finally had enough.." Face down in the dirt she says, "this doesn't hurt" she says "I finally had enough.."
One day she will tell you that she has had enough It's coming 'round again.
Do you feel like a man, when you push her around? Do you feel better now as she falls to the ground? Well I'll tell you my friend, one day this world's going to end As your lies crumble down, a new life she has.
Do you feel like a man, when you push her around? Do you feel better now as she falls to the ground? Well I'll tell you my friend, one day this world's going to end As your lies crumble down, a new life she has found.
Face down in the dirt she says, "This doesn't hurt." she says "I finally had enough."
It should help. You show the world everyday how strong you are, but not just because you strive everyday to be strong. For them. But also because you know you have to. Because thay need you to be strong. You now know more than ever that the silence has to be broken. That your silence would do nothing but let the evil harm more innocent people.
Go ahead... cry.
No one can see your tears right now, sleepless and sobbing at 3am. No one has to know that the nightmares came back. That many memories you thought have been forgotten and stamped out of your mind has resurfaced yet again. No one has to know how all of a sudden every move you made is being watched and often misread. Misjudged.
Now stop.
It should be enough. It's time to get back to sleep. You have much to do. And people to help. To protect. At first you thought you're doing all this because you have to. That it's your duty. But you've looked deep in your heart and you realized. You simply cannot let this go on anymore. Your soul won't let you. It will not be easy. Nor pleasant. But you're gonna do it.
Here I am struggling to be the best With rigorous training and treatments To prove that I'm better than the rest.
I'm the goddamn Queen Who's known through the lands As the fairest one of all.
Now this young bitch comes along And suddenly she's the new It Girl. My reign is over before it’s barely begun.
As much as i hate to admit it...
She threatens me. She fucking threatens me.
Wednesday, October 06, 2004
Men want sex.
Women want love.
Men make women think they're getting love to get sex.
Women make men think they're getting sex to get love.
Monday, February 23, 2004
as we walk down the streets i notice the absence...
the absence of the effort of stopping myself from wanting to hold your hand like we used to.
the absence of the feeling of longing for a lost past.
the absence of the pain of regret.
i smile :)
do i love her?
do i still love her?
i don't know.
i know for certain that i did.
it felt so right.
even when they said it's wrong.
it's so hard letting her go.
it hurt so much to see her cry.
but i had to. i must.
i should!
...nuts.
i still love her.
but, no... i shouldn't...
i don't know...
i'm just glad we're still friends...
we talk, like the friends we are
before we became more
and less.
and after.
i'm happy to see that he hasn't changed.
he's still the reliable friend he'd always been.
i'm happy to see that honest smile.
i smile back.
we talk, like the friends we are
that we have always been.
we play, like the friends we are
that we have always been.
we were sitting on the couch
when our chats turn to laughter
when laughter turns to play
her laugh i'll always love.
as we hit and dodge each other
with our pillows.
i was standing, half-kneeling above her
when i slipped.
I'm falling.
for her.
again.
it feels so good to laugh again.
it feels so good to be able to be close
without feeling scared.
i feel safe when i'm with him.
so rare...
to find a guy i can feel safe with.
we laughed as we had our pillow fight
squealing and laughing
as he fell on top of me
on the couch
I? We? hesitated.
we kissed.
it felt so right...
it feels so right
but i can't love her
i'm not allowed to.
i wanted so much too tell her
i never stopped loving her
but i can't
i shouldn't
i look into her eyes.
"i love you" i said in silence.
that should be enough.
i hope it is enough.
she smiled. i smiled back.
but her eyes has a tinge of sadness.
SILENCE.
i hide my doubt in silence.
it just rings louder.
i hide my love in silence.
it just burns brighter.
after that kiss, i wanted to ask
"tayo na ba uli?"
"you love me?"
but i dare not ask.
i'm too scared to ruin everything
by asking.
by bringing it to light.
because i'm afraid
i'd only be disappointed.
again.
so i just left it to hang.
act like it never happened.
Tuesday, July 08, 2003
BROKEN
I broke a promise. I broke it just now.
It hurt. It was painful. But I don't regret it.
The pain is being healed now.
By someone new.
The promise was made long ago.
With someone who broke my heart.
Why should I not break my promise to you?
When you've broken all your promises to me?
I broke my promise.
And I will not make any more to break.
I will live the rest of my life not bound by words
Spoken at an ill-forgotten time.
Saturday, July 05, 2003
(more from my thesis notebook)
I’m getting sick and tired of being strong.
PART0
God I’m scared
Give me Your hand
I beg You
To guide me
Stop throwing me balls
Too many too fast
This catch ball game is too hard.
PART1
I’m tired.
I’m tired of worrying.
I don’t want to play anymore, God.
You’re throwing too many balls
In this game of life
I can’t keep up.
PART 2
But there’s nothing I can do.
It’s either sink or swim.
I have no choice.
But to keep running
In the ever-spinning
Wheel of fate
Like a stupid hamster.
I wanna get off,
Stop the bus.
I’m getting sick.
…Yet, I’m still thankful for whatever blessings I still get.
“PRAYER JOURNAL: Entry June 14, 2000”
I am your black-winged angel whose wings get heavier as trials weigh me down, sinking my heart into the bloody, choking ocean of despair. I struggle to beat my wings, but the thick slimy water covers them. I get tired, tempted to give up. To just sink to the bottom. And lay there in death’s embrace.
Yet a fire burns within me. Thy flames of defiance stoking my passion for living. To live stubbornly on. Flap my wings to shake off the heavy waters of hopelessness. I know it’s gonna be hard at first, but if I’d just plod on, pushing and finally smashing through my obstacles, I know I could win. I just shouldn’t give up.
“09122000”
Tired from running
Scared and bleeding
Hungry and searching
Alone.
“ANGEL”
Thou art so beautiful
I love thee
And so I am doomed.
“02142000”
Oh geez, now what?
I was the one who had no one to turn to when I needed help!
I was the one who ran all over the place
bleeding and searching and hungry and tired and scared
in the middle of the night, in the middle of nowhere!
Now YOU’RE angry?!?
SOD OFF!!!
“If you draw to express your feelings…”
How do you draw PAIN?
How do you draw EMPTINESS?
How do you draw LONELINESS?
How do you draw DESPAIR?
How would you color SORROW?
“Your Parasite Eve”
I love you
I need you
And I hate it.
I never wanted to be
Your Parasite Eve.
But I can’t help it.
I love you.
I need you.
I am sorry.
032601
…only five days left.
And you’re still sleeping.
Friday, July 04, 2003
(more from the thesis notebook!)
Paint a mask
of happiness
Bright colors
Big smile
Hide the apathy
Of helplessness
And frustration
And perseverance
Against futility
RANTS FROM THE PAST: (stuff I wrote back in thesis time, a long, long time ago)
I'm not angry,
just sad.
'Tis not your fault.
Nor mine.
Sorry my tears fell.
Sorry fot the silence
I'm not trying to hurt you.
I'm not trying to do anything.
I'm just sad.
Sorry.
Saturday, June 28, 2003
I'd like to go out one night with my girls
And pull you to the crowded dance floor
To dance
Just for you
I'd put your hands and let them slide
down my hips as i sway
and feel the caress
of smooth skin and glittery fabric
i'd raise my arms as I lose myself
to the beat of the music
and climb to the ledge
in my highest stiletto heels
And dance
Just for you.
Saturday, April 19, 2003
SHIVA
I can
Destroy you.
Cross me
And I will.
I bite my dry lips once again
Feeling the cracked skin
Hard against my tender mouth
I touch my lips once again
Pressing the wound repeatedly
I look at my finger and saw the blood
I really should stop picking old wounds.
And I really need to get some lip balm.
sometimes i wonder why i even bother.
he's talking about a new life. and i'm not in it.
i really should know when to take a hint.
SLAYER
you can't hurt me
you can't kill me
i am dead
most honorable daughter
of the royal Dragon clan
beloved and respected
but came the War of Gods
empire fell to dust and defeat
i fell to slavery and imprisonment
once a princess
now a whore
honor stripped forevermore
yet in those dark painful nights
i felt a gentle touch
and found healing love
most honorable son
of the royal Tiger clan
loved and respected me
the Serpent clan who captured me
feared our love to be a threat
and demanded their gift back
my prince was forced to choose
lose the alliance, or lose the girl?
in the end his weakness failed me
in the hands of my enemies
of the clan that destroyed mine
my death assured their safety
but my body was stolen
by the rebelling Phoenix clan
and resurrected me
in my rebirth a Dragon awakens
a demon of vengeance and rage
to lead them against a common enemy
the Serpent defeated
the Tiger defended
for their alliance held
they sent their greatest warrior
to face the Dragon empress
old lovers came face to face
fire died from my eyes
anger doused from my heart
body resumed my human form
he stared at me with wide eyes
and seized me in his arms
and told me he loved me
tears escaped as i closed my eyes
and gave him a long sweet kiss
and told him i loved him
eyes gazed with sorrow as lips parted
i let him fall to the ground
for he tasted my poison of vengeace