BROKEN

I broke a promise. I broke it just now.
It hurt. It was painful. But I don't regret it.
The pain is being healed now.
By someone new.

The promise was made long ago.
With someone who broke my heart.
Why should I not break my promise to you?
When you've broken all your promises to me?

I broke my promise.
And I will not make any more to break.
I will live the rest of my life not bound by words
Spoken at an ill-forgotten time.

(more from my thesis notebook)

I’m getting sick and tired of being strong.

PART0
God I’m scared
Give me Your hand
I beg You
To guide me

Stop throwing me balls
Too many too fast
This catch ball game is too hard.

PART1
I’m tired.
I’m tired of worrying.
I don’t want to play anymore, God.
You’re throwing too many balls
In this game of life
I can’t keep up.

PART 2
But there’s nothing I can do.
It’s either sink or swim.
I have no choice.
But to keep running
In the ever-spinning
Wheel of fate
Like a stupid hamster.

I wanna get off,
Stop the bus.
I’m getting sick.

…Yet, I’m still thankful for whatever blessings I still get.

“PRAYER JOURNAL: Entry June 14, 2000”
I am your black-winged angel whose wings get heavier as trials weigh me down, sinking my heart into the bloody, choking ocean of despair. I struggle to beat my wings, but the thick slimy water covers them. I get tired, tempted to give up. To just sink to the bottom. And lay there in death’s embrace.

Yet a fire burns within me. Thy flames of defiance stoking my passion for living. To live stubbornly on. Flap my wings to shake off the heavy waters of hopelessness. I know it’s gonna be hard at first, but if I’d just plod on, pushing and finally smashing through my obstacles, I know I could win. I just shouldn’t give up.

“09122000”
Tired from running
Scared and bleeding
Hungry and searching
Alone.

“ANGEL”
Thou art so beautiful
I love thee
And so I am doomed.

“02142000”
Oh geez, now what?
I was the one who had no one to turn to when I needed help!
I was the one who ran all over the place
bleeding and searching and hungry and tired and scared
in the middle of the night, in the middle of nowhere!
Now YOU’RE angry?!?
SOD OFF!!!

“If you draw to express your feelings…”
How do you draw PAIN?
How do you draw EMPTINESS?
How do you draw LONELINESS?
How do you draw DESPAIR?
How would you color SORROW?

“Your Parasite Eve”
I love you
I need you
And I hate it.
I never wanted to be
Your Parasite Eve.
But I can’t help it.
I love you.
I need you.
I am sorry.

032601
…only five days left.
And you’re still sleeping.

(more from the thesis notebook!)

Paint a mask
of happiness
Bright colors
Big smile
Hide the apathy
Of helplessness
And frustration
And perseverance
Against futility

RANTS FROM THE PAST: (stuff I wrote back in thesis time, a long, long time ago)

I'm not angry,
just sad.

'Tis not your fault.
Nor mine.

Sorry my tears fell.
Sorry fot the silence

I'm not trying to hurt you.
I'm not trying to do anything.

I'm just sad.
Sorry.