BROKEN

I broke a promise. I broke it just now.
It hurt. It was painful. But I don't regret it.
The pain is being healed now.
By someone new.

The promise was made long ago.
With someone who broke my heart.
Why should I not break my promise to you?
When you've broken all your promises to me?

I broke my promise.
And I will not make any more to break.
I will live the rest of my life not bound by words
Spoken at an ill-forgotten time.

(more from my thesis notebook)

I’m getting sick and tired of being strong.

PART0
God I’m scared
Give me Your hand
I beg You
To guide me

Stop throwing me balls
Too many too fast
This catch ball game is too hard.

PART1
I’m tired.
I’m tired of worrying.
I don’t want to play anymore, God.
You’re throwing too many balls
In this game of life
I can’t keep up.

PART 2
But there’s nothing I can do.
It’s either sink or swim.
I have no choice.
But to keep running
In the ever-spinning
Wheel of fate
Like a stupid hamster.

I wanna get off,
Stop the bus.
I’m getting sick.

…Yet, I’m still thankful for whatever blessings I still get.

“PRAYER JOURNAL: Entry June 14, 2000”
I am your black-winged angel whose wings get heavier as trials weigh me down, sinking my heart into the bloody, choking ocean of despair. I struggle to beat my wings, but the thick slimy water covers them. I get tired, tempted to give up. To just sink to the bottom. And lay there in death’s embrace.

Yet a fire burns within me. Thy flames of defiance stoking my passion for living. To live stubbornly on. Flap my wings to shake off the heavy waters of hopelessness. I know it’s gonna be hard at first, but if I’d just plod on, pushing and finally smashing through my obstacles, I know I could win. I just shouldn’t give up.

“09122000”
Tired from running
Scared and bleeding
Hungry and searching
Alone.

“ANGEL”
Thou art so beautiful
I love thee
And so I am doomed.

“02142000”
Oh geez, now what?
I was the one who had no one to turn to when I needed help!
I was the one who ran all over the place
bleeding and searching and hungry and tired and scared
in the middle of the night, in the middle of nowhere!
Now YOU’RE angry?!?
SOD OFF!!!

“If you draw to express your feelings…”
How do you draw PAIN?
How do you draw EMPTINESS?
How do you draw LONELINESS?
How do you draw DESPAIR?
How would you color SORROW?

“Your Parasite Eve”
I love you
I need you
And I hate it.
I never wanted to be
Your Parasite Eve.
But I can’t help it.
I love you.
I need you.
I am sorry.

032601
…only five days left.
And you’re still sleeping.

(more from the thesis notebook!)

Paint a mask
of happiness
Bright colors
Big smile
Hide the apathy
Of helplessness
And frustration
And perseverance
Against futility

RANTS FROM THE PAST: (stuff I wrote back in thesis time, a long, long time ago)

I'm not angry,
just sad.

'Tis not your fault.
Nor mine.

Sorry my tears fell.
Sorry fot the silence

I'm not trying to hurt you.
I'm not trying to do anything.

I'm just sad.
Sorry.

I'd like to go out one night with my girls
And pull you to the crowded dance floor

To dance
Just for you

I'd put your hands and let them slide
down my hips as i sway
and feel the caress
of smooth skin and glittery fabric

i'd raise my arms as I lose myself
to the beat of the music
and climb to the ledge
in my highest stiletto heels

And dance
Just for you.

SHIVA

I can
Destroy you.

Cross me
And I will.

I bite my dry lips once again
Feeling the cracked skin
Hard against my tender mouth

I touch my lips once again
Pressing the wound repeatedly
I look at my finger and saw the blood

I really should stop picking old wounds.

And I really need to get some lip balm.

sometimes i wonder why i even bother.

he's talking about a new life. and i'm not in it.

i really should know when to take a hint.

SLAYER

you can't hurt me
you can't kill me
i am dead

most honorable daughter
of the royal Dragon clan
beloved and respected

but came the War of Gods
empire fell to dust and defeat
i fell to slavery and imprisonment

once a princess
now a whore
honor stripped forevermore

yet in those dark painful nights
i felt a gentle touch
and found healing love

most honorable son
of the royal Tiger clan
loved and respected me

the Serpent clan who captured me
feared our love to be a threat
and demanded their gift back

my prince was forced to choose
lose the alliance, or lose the girl?
in the end his weakness failed me

in the hands of my enemies
of the clan that destroyed mine
my death assured their safety

but my body was stolen
by the rebelling Phoenix clan
and resurrected me

in my rebirth a Dragon awakens
a demon of vengeance and rage
to lead them against a common enemy

the Serpent defeated
the Tiger defended
for their alliance held

they sent their greatest warrior
to face the Dragon empress
old lovers came face to face

fire died from my eyes
anger doused from my heart
body resumed my human form

he stared at me with wide eyes
and seized me in his arms
and told me he loved me

tears escaped as i closed my eyes
and gave him a long sweet kiss
and told him i loved him

eyes gazed with sorrow as lips parted
i let him fall to the ground
for he tasted my poison of vengeace

the war is over
we have won
i am dead.

nightmares. every night it's nightmares. i close my eyes against the harsh white light. and the biting cold wind. and in the forced darkness i see shadows invading me. in my blindness i feel his uncaring touch. my mind screams in helpless, futile protest. and my eyes would open again, escaping back into the blinding light.

silencing a gasp of anguish as i escape back to the waking world. i resolve to finally stop being stubborn, and call on you. at least, if only, in my dreams, let me call on you. let me run, eyes tight shut, as i fall into you. let me feel you hold me again, so strong yet so gentle, the embrace that i may never feel again. let me feel safe.

God, let me feel safe.

My story is about a land. And its people.

I used to be just a lush, verdant land, experiencing life through my children. I drank the light of the sun with the leaves of my trees. And let moonlight play upon the rivers that run through my lands to the seas. I breathe sweet air for and from my plants and beasts. And fly through birds who were my jewels upon the wind. And swim through the fish who were my jewels upon the waters.

Then the first of my people came.

I was awash with joy as I felt their love for me, for taking them in as my children. They held celebrations when I grant them a successful hunt, or a bounteous harvest. And I heard them pray when they get scared of the storms and volcanoes. They soon learned and became stronger. And held their own as they forged friendships with strangers who come upon my lands, to explore, to trade. And sometimes to become one of my children.

And then I met my first husband.

He came upon me wounded and lost. I helped him regain his strength and his bearings. He found me beautiful. And wanted to keep me to himself. My children objected and drove him away. He became angry. He said he wanted me. Needed me. And thus he shall have me, whether we want to or not. He came to me again, the next time more forceful than the last, until at last I submitted.

We were married for three centuries.

He told me how to run my people. He taught me Christianity. He made my children build palaces of stone for us to live in. He made my children build ships for his trades. He cut down my trees. Killed my animals. Tore my mountains. And destroyed the spirit of my people. He made my children slaves. To kiss the crucifix he wears. To bow upon the ground he treads. He had his way with my daughters, who could do naught but cry. He was using my lands. Using my people. Using me.

Soon I had enough.

My tears ran. My voice cried out for justice. My anger burned. Soon the anger burned in the hearts of my people. Soon they they stood up in rebellion. At first he just slapped me and laughed. I kept fighting, yet I cannot drive him away. I realized that I may never defeat him, that he may always own me, but I’ll keep fighting anyway. Soon he grew tired of my resistance. But he didn’t set me free.

He gave me to another.

I was wary at first, and most of all frustrated. I have been fighting to be free, only to have me married to another. Am I to face three more centuries of subservience? Yet when he approached he seemed gentle and kind. My second husband gave me education. My people gained knowledge, as it was freely given, instead of seeking it in other lands as a foreigner. I might have grown to love him, but I never had the chance to be really sure…

For I was snatched away.
My second husband tried to rescue me, to win me back. But the monster was powerful, and successfully made off with me. I suffered as his prisoner. He was more cruel than my first husband. He beat me up and raped me gain and again. I wasn’t his wife nor his slave. I was his prisoner. My life then was nothing but to hide. For once I were to be found he would hurt me yet again.

I was surprised when my husband came again. This time he succesfully reclaimed me. Apparently he had friends to help him win me back. He told me he and his friends banded together to defeat my tormentor and his allies. I was his again. I was still unsure if I loved him, but I accepted him, and he was happy enough with that.

Still, I felt restless. The need for independence still burns within me, even if my people were not oppressed nor tormented as before. I asked him to let me go. He said he can’t, for he thinks I was still not ready. I went to his lands, and saw its wealth and progress. I should have felt assured that my people would be safe, for I saw his white children happy and prosperous.

But in my travels I met strange people, with copper skin. I asked them whose people they were, and they showed me their mother. She looked as if she was once a proud chieftess, but now she is in rags, living in this small dusty corner with her children. I felt horror when she told me she was the true mother of the land, but her husband now rules it, and that the white people, her stepchildren, now enjoys the wealth that was once theirs. I looked at her people and all I thought was “That could be my children…”

At home I went to my husband and demanded for my independence. He wondered why I suddenly opened the subject again. I told that I met the true mother of ‘his’ land and her people. I told him that I never want to be like her, that I have been fighting for centuries so I will never like her. I may not be as strong as he is but I am willing to be as strong as I should be for my children.

With this, he let me go.

And here I am now. Stumbling in my independence, like a toddler who suddenly had nothing to hold on to to stand up, to walk. I could hear other people laughing at me everytime I fall down. They jeered at me, telling me I shouldn’t have left him, that I still needed him. I didn’t mind them. I plodded on. I struggled on, me and my children, as together we journey to find ourselves…

THE END

SWATCH

You gave me the watch
Because you don't need it
But I loved it and cherished it
As I loved the one who gave it

And the watch told me the hours
Of nights we spent together
And days we wake each other
With sunrises and kisses

Then the watch told me the minutes
I spent waiting for you, late again
And when you finally came to me
The watch said you'd leave again, too early

Now you gave me away
Because you don't need me
and I count each second of loneliness
With this watch you gave me.

SUCCUBUS

lay down love
close your eyes
leave your world
enter mine
and feel me

feel my touch
warm your skin
taste my lips
hear me say
'i love you'

dark of night
light of stars
only when
only then
i have you

when stars fade
and night leaves
for sunrise
to wake you
from your dream

one last time
i'd kiss you
and whisper
'farewell love'
and leave you

but when the sun sets
and dear night returns
i'll come back to you
and we'll become one
all over again

SWEET PAST

it's when i was given kisses so sweet
i thought i never have to taste bitterness ever again.
it's when i was held in embrace so warm
i thought i'll never feel cold again.

AND NOW
i've neverfelt so bitterly cold
as i do now.

a lost angel cries
"nobody loves me!"
a man comes saying
"I'll love you."
and held her, too tight
"I can't breathe"
she gasped.

And he loved her
and she just cried
he was so happy
she was so sad
he became angry.

he threw her down
see the angel fall
she crashed to the earth
broken, battered, used
she smiles in relief.

she's free
she's lonely
she's still lost
she's healing.
she's relieved.

SCARS

I took refuge in darkness
To hide these scars I bear
Careful not to show myself
More careful not to care.

He then invaded my void
A shocking, blinding light.
I cried out in protest
Hid further out of sight.

"Never look upon me
Nor on my painful scars,
Ever haunting, marring
Like cracks on crystal jars."

He said, "Fear not, survivor,
And shed your cloak of night.
I know those scars have come
From fighting for what's right."

"And another truth I know,
As a fighter, just like you,
Is that in scars of battle
Does true beauty shine through."

And the light slowly faded
To a tiny spark inside.
Forever it kept burning
'Til my fear and anger died.

Plunged again in darkness
His light I yearn to find
For the nail-scars on His hands and feet
Are still fresh in my mind.

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